Beeb Fucks Everything Up For Everyone Especially The Kids

Despite the cold snap outside and the hour and a half commute I felt cheery this morning. Chipper even. Nothing warms a Magic Sponger’s cockles like a surge of righteous indignation as misplaced as a Sergio Ramos tackle on Lionel Messi. And so it began when I got to my desk. Never mind going to the Guardian’s website, they’ll only reaffirm my own opinions and who wants that? No. I first went, with not a little glee, to see what Ian ‘Mr England’ Wright made of yesterday’s proceedings in Zurich. True to form, absolute fucking goldmine. I could already hear the chants of ‘its too easy’ ringing in my ears, but that’s the point. Ghost written or not, Wrighty’s comments are so wide of the mark as to make a Qatari striker look deadly.

As has become par for the course, I urge you to read it. The BBC WILL be feeling proud Ian, you’re right. By exposing how rotten to the core the world football governing body is they were not trying to give the public a handle on what a savagely corrupt set of bastards hold the deciding vote on who gets the World Cup, au contraire. They were trying to scupper England’s bid. I couldn’t move for champagne corks popping when I made my way past Bush House last night. Corks fucking everywhere along Aldwych. “I'm not saying the TV programme was entirely to blame for England managing just two votes in the first round of voting - but it certainly helped,” Wrighty whiffles. So, absolutely nothing to do with the fact the vote was sown up months ago then?

“Today”, Wrighty continues, “I wonder whether any of those involved in the Panorama programme can really look themselves in the mirror. These people must realise they have let us all down.” I expect they can Ian, to be honest. I expect they can far more easily than the bid team would be able to had they won the World Cup for England by brown-nosing the ‘ExCo’ for three straight days, knowing they had to carry on distancing themselves from extremely serious allegations for another EIGHT YEARS.

I can even draw you a picture if you like. The BBC, and Andrew Jennings, are happy to be identified. They have responded to criticism and have acted within the law. They haven’t gained anything from the programme except a backlash from idiots like you. FIFA, on the other hand, conducted their vote behind closed doors, order that they and their corporate partners are exempt from tax and money laundering laws in every country the World Cup visits and are alleged to have taken bribes. The only reason we can’t ask if they are able to look at themselves in the mirror is because men that evil DON’T HAVE A REFLECTION.

So, I’m sat here, searching for a voice of a reason amid the madness. That’s right, ‘Arry Redknapp is my next port of call. “What does ‘Arry make of it all,” I inquire. Well for a start, he was ‘absolutely stonewall convinced’ England would get it. He wasn’t too incandescent though to get his geography spot on: “Don't they make cuckoo clocks over there? Well, a lot of those guys must be living in cloud cuckoo land to ignore our bid,” he splurted.

“I sense some people wrongly believe we think we have a God-given right to host the World Cup because it's 'our' game - and they won't vote for us out of spite,” he continues, despite the fact that he has pretty much said as much in his preceding paragraph – “And there always seems to be a bit of anti-English feeling among certain sections of FIFA, almost as if we are paying for the fact that we gave the game to the rest of the world.” I wonder how ‘Arry felt when he watched Barcelona dismantle Real on Monday night. “All that fancy shit is well and good but they’d be speaking German and playing handball if it wasn’t for us.”

“Someone suggested we could be paying the price for failing to set the world alight in the top competitions since we were world champions in 1966,” rants ‘Arry. Who exactly suggested this load of shite? Your son? Brighty? If I remember rightly the 2002 World Cup went to Japan and South Korea and I don’t recall them doing too well on the big stage.

And well done to the Sun here, for somehow managing to let the headline on ‘Arry’s article be ‘Why did FIFA let our kids down?’. A sentiment of mind-numbing idiocy. Is England suddenly the only nation in the world with children? Why FIFA, why?! There are children in England you know, unlike in Qatar and Russia where the only populace are business oligarchs and oil barons. THE HUMANITY, FIFA. How could you? Jesus Christ.

Not to mention that FIFA overlooked the nation’s most heroic newspaper, “which campaigned so hard to bring home the Cup”. By conveniently ignoring allegations of bribery when it suited and being the first, loudest and most vehement to claim foul play when it did. You CANNOT excuse this blatant hypocrisy by saying that ‘a review is needed, but not now’. You can’t be the player and the played, the villain and the wronged, at the same time. Oh, but wait – they can.

The Sun shares ‘Arry’s concern for the kids, but also for the older generations: “By then, fans who remember the glories of 1966 will be in their seventies and eighties,” it weeps. Yes, and by then, fans who remember this total load of bullshit you have been propagating will be bloody glad England didn’t win the World Cup and fan this ridiculous ‘greatest football nation on earth’ delusion any further. ‘On paper, we had the best bid,’ everyone seems to be sobbing. Yeah, well on paper, England were going to beat Germany 3-0 in Bloemfontein.

Now, for the sake of balance (ha!), we’ll end with an odious piece of execrable nonsense that is shamelessly racist even by the Mail’s very low standards. Hats off to Paul Harris, or ‘cunt’, as we’ve taken to calling him. “So multicultural, so diverse,” he snarls, as he lambasts the use of anyone without a white face in England’s bid video. By using footage from around the world of people with Premier League shirts on, the FA cleverly expressed the truly unique global reach that England’s top flight has. Harris isn’t happy though. “Then we're off to somewhere else in the world (maybe the Third World) to watch some kids have a kickabout in the street,” he asserts snidely, like a twat of a classroom bully picking on the kid who has his sports kit in a Netto carrier bag. “Close-ups of the players further underline the multinational diversity of our favourite Premiership icons.” YES. AND? I can’t even be articulate in my exasperation anymore.

Paul Harris (yes, there’s more); what a fucking arsehole. To claim that a video that doesn’t show a cosy, white-washed Middle England has somehow contrived to cost England the bid is absolutely pathetic. Nevermind that the minister for sport and the Olympics, Hugh Robertson, told Talksport radio: "One of the rumours sweeping Zurich last night was that there are 22 FIFA ExCo delegates as you know, and the rumour was that only three of them bothered to call for the technical reports and two of those bothered to call for those technical reports so they could release them to their own bid teams. If you have 22 ExCo members and they're not bothering to read the technical reports, I think that probably tells you it's not a football-based decision." Yeah, well you can argue anything with facts, you know. Unless you are England’s best selling tabloids.