Dickheads #1 - Graeme Souness

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

Welcome, fans of edgy and angry ranting, to Magic Spongers' new series, creatively entitled 'Dickheads'. Hate someone? Yeah? Good. This is the place for you. First to take the torch of fury for a run round the block is our friend Alex Bingle.

Being a teenager is full of traumas you wouldn’t wish upon anyone, or so I am told by Glee and Dawson’s Creek. Why can’t they just tell the truth: that we are (or were) simply young, pubescent and constantly horny? Do they ever portray how football can make you more miserable than any break up from your girlfriend of two weeks simply because her feelings have changed? Do they ever mention how Manchester United were doing their best to ruin my life back in 1991 (and still are) just because they are Total Bastards?

No. But ok, perhaps that’s a little over-dramatic. When you’re this good looking, Liverpool’s capitulation that began circa 1991 doesn’t weigh on your mind too much and as a teenager I learned to put up with the taunts of United fans by reminding myself that most of them were only Utd fans when they were winning. Which was most of the time, but hey, I had to have something to go on. But I hate Man Utd and I hate pretty much everything that the goes with them. And, if I was asked to write an article about who I think is a dickhead, you’d immediately expect me to write about someone from that Stretford cesspit. Ryan Giggs, for example, you are an overly hairy bastard who shags his brother’s wife and should have chosen England. That is my gripe with you. I hate you. But you aren’t a dickhead. David Beckham, you are a good-looking twat with magic hair that does anything you tell it and always tipped me well when I served you in Alderley Edge. So also not a dickhead. I’m not doing very well so far.

Sir Alex “Whinger” Ferguson, chewing your fucking gum, whinging that you are always hard done by when quite frankly we all know you have the referees in your back pocket (this hasn’t been proven yet and is merely me venting so please don’t sue me). Yet I kind of respect your ability to get inside my head and make me so angry I could scream. If you were manager of my team I would love you.

Rio “Fuck-up” Ferdinand. Where do I start… most overrated defender of the last 20 years. Yeah, you are good but you are not THAT good. Prone to big mistakes and an arrogance that makes me want to smack you in the face. You celebrate every goal like YOU scored the goal. I hate that and I hate you. But you’re actually a decent bloke who just loves his football; you aren’t really a dickhead.

Gary Neville. Now you ARE a dickhead. You have no redeeming features and I shudder to think that you might be punditing/co-commentating on Sky Sports next season. Could they pick a bigger dickhead? Probably not. You are one, end of story. But still, this article is not about you mainly because you are SUCH a dickhead that I refuse to give you the satisfaction of winning something, even if it is a “biggest dickhead” award.

I’ve decided that football’s biggest dickhead has nothing to do with Man Utd. I’ve surprised myself there, I’ll admit. I have weighed up the possibility of laying into Arsene Wenger, but I will leave that job to someone less bitter than myself. What about Drogba?! I hate his head and his stupid hair and the fact he is massive yet falls over at the slightest touch. He embodies things I hate seeing in football by trying to cheat. But what annoys me most is that he doesn’t have to cheat because he is excellent. William Gallas, you lost your right to be considered anything other than a dickhead the day you had your one-man attack of petulance and decided to protest at the full time whistle. I was cringing at that act more than the tackle that broke Eduardo’s leg. What a dickhead.

With all the dishonourable mentions off my chest, I can reveal the three footballers who actually top my list all have played for Liverpool. I’m not the kind of fan who turns on his own team, in fact, ask anyone who knows me, I am overly optimistic about the abilities of Liverpool’s players and would never vacate my seat (my armchair) before the final whistle. But maybe like the slightly pubescent, angst-filled teenager in Dawson’s Creek I have overwhelming sado-masochistic feelings towards my own. And here they are. The wall of shame. Fucking dickheads all.

3. Phil Babb

I have nothing against you as a player; you did your best for Liverpool in your time at the club. I applaud you. However Phil, you once started on me and my friends in a bar in Jesmond, Newcastle. Granted someone shouted “Phil Babb you cunt”, but seriously Phil, did you need to create a scene? Most normal human beings would laugh that off and frankly, I expected more control from an average Premier League footballer who was PLAYING FOR SUNDERLAND BUT ON A NIGHT OUT IN NEWCASTLE. Expect some grief you tool! You aren’t even that tall and intimidating and you would have been battered (not by me I must point out). What a dickhead.

2. El-Hadji Diouf

Bought on the back of a performance that can only be described as ‘good’ against an abject French side in World Cup 2002, Gerard Houllier decided Diouf was the answer to Liverpool’s problems in front of goal and in doing so decided against signing Nicolas Anelka. Diouf did little then and has done little since to endear him to football fans in this country and north of the border. Described by Jamie Carragher thus;

"In all my years at Anfield, I have never met a player who cared less about winning or losing. His name… still makes even the toughest Liverpudlians shudder in fear."

Call me biased, call me naïve, but if Carra says so, it is true. I dare anyone to disagree.

It actually sickens me to think that this arrogant, spitting upstart ever wore the Liverpool shirt. Not only was he a complete waste of space, but he didn’t even try not to be a waste of space. And Diouf has done nothing but aggravate Old Firm tensions further since his foray in Scotland. His attitude to the game, other professionals and fans is a disgrace and his arrogance about his own abilities deluded. El-Hadji Diouf, you are a dickhead.

1. Graeme Souness

Anyone remember Ali Dia? Of course we do! He played 20 minutes of football for Southampton before Souness realised he wasn’t actually a footballer. How could anyone possibly sign and play a person without checking that he is actually a footballer? I can understand a Sunday league football team manager being hoaxed into playing someone who has never kicked a ball, but a Premier League manager? It is so laughable that whenever I feel sad (normally set off by thinking about Liverpool’s 20-year slump), I think of Ali Dia making an absolute chump out of Souness.

In 1997, GRAEME, you went to Benfica and took with you Steve Harkness, Gary Charles, Michael Thomas, Mark Pembridge, Dean Saunders and Brian Deane. I can only imagine the faces of the unsuspecting Portuguese fans turning up to see that bunch when they could have had Deco, who you refused to sign. That’s right, Deco, who went on to play 154 times for rivals Porto, scoring 32 goals, winning Uefa Club Footballer of the year in 2004 and playing 75 times for his country. You decided against buying him. Souness, you are rubbish. Imagine if you had overlooked and refused such a rare talent when you managed in England? Oh wait… you already had, you fucking imbecile.

I will just make a point at this lull to my rant that I wish I had been around to see Souness in his prime, lifting the European Cup for the Reds. I’ve seen videos and he was clearly a world-class footballer and my feelings towards him would be a little less enraged if I could have seen it.

Anyway Souness, you ruined Liverpool you dickhead! You had a chance to buy ERIC CANTONA and you turned it down. I could scream every time I remind myself of this. Who did you buy instead? Paul Stewart. I wasn’t even 10 years old, but I could have told you that was a bad idea. And you sold Peter Beardsley… bad idea. And you sold Ray Houghton… bad idea. You ruined us! I can’t even watch you being a pundit because I don’t believe that anything you say is the slightest bit credible. I would sooner listen to my 10-year old self because telling the world that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are better signings than the idiots you purchased at the time was absolutely correct.

You bought Paul Stewart for £2.3m six months after Platini offered you Cantona on a plate. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? He cost Leeds £900,000 and Man United £1.2mn. Combined, that is less than Paul Stewart cost. And your reasons for refusing to sign Eric? For the sake of dressing room harmony? You IDIOT. You were so busy throwing tea cups at Ian Rush that you didn’t see past your own arrogant, angry Scottish moustache. Either that or you were scared that Cantona would throw them back. Well Graeme, I would throw teacups at you and all, and my collection of Monsters In My Pocket too, because you ruined my childhood more than my mum did when she threw my Monsters In My Pocket out saying that I was too old for them.

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