Everything is different yet again (i.e. exactly the same as before)

"One-nil up lads. Keep it tig... oh."

It’s very un-Spongers for us to piss on everyone’s chips at a major tournament. But here we are, chaps in hand, aiming for the McCains. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. After four days of football, England are in town (Volgograd to be precise). Aside from witnessing the game of the tournament so far (Spain vs Portugal), we’ve seen Germany humbled by Mexico. France limping to a 2-1 win against the Aussies. And Brazil and Argentina stuttering to 1-1 draws against two banks of four aka Switzerland and Iceland.

Anti-football is back with a vengeance. We extolled its virtues back in 2016, explaining it thus: “Fucking shite. It’s the new tiki taka everyone. Impossible to defend against, because they’re the ones doing the defending thanks very much and you have to have 59% possession and concede from a throw-in. Or a tackle.” Remember when you were 10 and playing with your mates on the playground? When everyone would be tactically disciplined and your team would be hard to break down? No, NOR DO WE.

Yes, we get it. We get you can’t go out all guns blazing against teams containing Messi or Neymar. But it’s hardly easy on the eye is it. Especially when there’s four games in a day and you’ve polished off the Fosters by 6pm.

Which segues us nicely to England. We have a man in charge that is so sensible he should have a range of sensible slacks at Burtons. For all we know, he does. We haven’t been in Burtons since David Beckham had a hand in designing the 2002 England suit with its lovely narrow lapels (this isn’t true). That, to quote The Guardian’s Barney Ronay, Gareth Southgate looks like “a 1930s intellectual”, we think is a good thing. It’s a ‘radical sensibleness’, as the brilliant Brian Phillips muses for the New Yorker. Very much in evidence by the switch to a 352 harking back to the good old days of France ’98. And it’s more radical and sensible than having Allardici in charge and having to suffer yet another tournament with Rooney waddling around, seemingly eating cake, playing like he’s eaten a whole one, then mostly pointing and swearing. Be grateful for small mercies.

So this is an England side with a wee bit of swagger, last seen some time around 2006. A fully fit Harry Kane supported by Raheem Sterling and Dele Alli is a nice thing. Kyle Walker and John Stones are nice things. And this seems like a nice squad, with youth on their side. Whether ‘nice’ wins tournaments is another thing entirely, but it’s all very, well, nice. When you hear talk of previous squads being ‘interned’ rather than simply chilling out in their camp, Southgate appears to have taken his own experiences of being an international player as recently as 2004 and decided to take the best bits of this, while discarding the bad bits.

It’s smart and it will help this squad hopefully actually enjoy the experience of representing their country at a World Cup. Because as Southgate himself has said: “When I have been at World Cups before, whether working with the media or following the games scouting, there is a kind of carnival of football out there that sometimes as a player you don't access and don't feel part of. We have got to feel that it is a festival of football that you are fully involved in, and look to play as well as we can." Wise words and good to hear.

Here’s the crux of the matter though. Although Southgate talks an awful lot of sense, England are notoriously slow starters at major tournaments. For all the talk of a brave new dawn, a 1-1 draw seems a relatively safe bet, given that this is exactly the score line England kicked off Euro ’96 with against Switzerland. And before that in Italia ’90 against the Irish. And after that in 2010 against the USA in the infamous E-A-S-Y group. Remember England’s opening game against Russia in Euro 2016? Yep, 1-1. Remember that 26^th minute opening goal by Ray Wilkins in Euro 1980? No, us neither. But it was cancelled out in the 29^th minute by Jan Ceulemans in a 1-1 draw. When Sol Campbell put England ahead in their first game against Sweden in the 2002 World Cup, we can’t say we were massively surprised when Niclas Alexandersson pulled one back in the second half. The final score? 1-1.

Oh, and I just remembered something else. I just remembered Jolean Lescott heading England ahead in their opening game against France at Euro 2012. Must have shut up shop right? Cheeky 1-0 win against one of the favourites? Na. 1-1 mate. Samir Nasri saw to that. Oh and we drew 0-0 with Uruguay in ’66. And 0-0 with Denmark in Euro ’92. And 2-2 with the USSR in the ’58 World Cup. And 4-4 with Belgium in Switzerland ’54. In fact, England have won just five opening games in major tournaments since 1950 – that’s a 21.7% success rate. Indeed, the last time England opened with a win was against Paraguay in 2006.

Not that a draw in the opening game is a disaster, considering England’s finest tournaments (1966, 1990 and 1996) have all started with a point. And there’s always the cliché about ‘playing yourself into a tournament’, which at least has some merit. But let’s break the habit of a lifetime and not expect too much. Then, just maybe, when Kane puts England ahead tonight, we don’t feel too cheated when Wahbi Khazri equalises with 10 minutes to go.