England Expects (Way Too Much. As Ever. Ad Infinitum)

"You know what we said pre-tournament about getting to the knockouts being a success ... FUCK. THAT. Final or you're shit."

Well well well. It seems by all accounts that England have become the first ever side in the history of the World Cup to get a bye to the final. Clearly a huge oversight on behalf of FIFA, seeing as though they wouldn’t even award us hosting rights to the tournament. Or maybe it’s their way of keeping us sweet? Either way, it’s a hell of a development for a side that have only won five knock-out games at a World Cup since 1966 (and only three of those inside 90 minutes).

A lot of right-minded football fans, us included, felt that, for once, expectations for this England side were about right. Namely, we should qualify from the group, probably in second place, then depending on the opposition in the round of 16, either bid farewell to the tournament there or else go one step further and then meet a bigger boy in the quarters and leave quietly via the back door [insert ‘Golden Generation’ infidelity gag here]. The media appeared to agree. And then the actual football begins and so does the collective amnesia. The sort of collective amnesia that leads to talk of a ‘clear route to the final’.

By coming second in the group and due to this World Cup seemingly being directed by M. Night Shyamalan, England’s half of the draw on the dreaded paper does look tantalising. One of England, Colombia, Croatia, Russia, Sweden and Switzerland will be in the final on July 15. That is pretty fucking mad, all things considered. And yes, we aren’t so austere as to begin dreaming a bit. But therein lies the problem. For every English fan thinking this is a cakewalk, there is Swede, Colombian and Croat thinking exactly the same thing. And you could forgive a Croat for thinking like this given they are ACTUALLY IN THE QUARTERS. Against Russia.

Stumbling to a 2-1 win against Tunisia and spanking a very poor Panama side does not a World Cup winner make. The arrogance of the big sides so far in this World Cup against inferior opposition has bitten a lot of arses. Think Germany. Think Spain. Think Argentina. Think Portugal and also (very nearly) Belgium last night. This tournament is up for grabs. But when that happens you do actually have to grab it.

We’re not trying to be killjoys here (believe it or not), but England have been so poor for so long at major tournaments, that expectation levels reaching mass hysteria level is utterly ludicrous. Yet again. Gareth Southgate has created a decent-looking side with youth very much on its side. But it is untested in the big games, so we aren’t really any the wiser as to how good this England side actually is. After enjoying the very unfamiliar feeling of watching England without chewing off our fingers against Panama and Belgium, it would be advisable to get out some big old gardening gloves for tonight.

This Colombia side are very good. They were unlucky enough to be a man down after just three minutes in their opener against Japan. And even then they only went down 2-1. Since then, they have essentially been playing knock-out football, needing two wins to guarantee progression, which they achieved with relative ease. Throw in the fact that Colombia beat Uruguay 2-0 at this stage four years ago in Brazil and it does make something of a mockery of England’s favourite status heading into this match.

They may be missing pronunciation’s James Rodriguez through injury but it’s not as if the absence of the side’s shiniest apple means that the rest of them are all going to be trundling around the pitch like a bag of onions. Falcao, if he fancies it – apple. Cuadrado – apple. Quintero – the loveliest remaining apple. England’s much-vaunted footballing back three are going to have to become England’s much-vaunted defensive back three if they’re not to get dragged all over the place for 90-plus minutes. 

Now, back to all this ‘clear route to the final’ nonsense. There may be a different vibe to this England set up and that’s a lovely thing, but we’re pretty sure that England lost to Iceland in their last knockout game two years ago. So forgive us for not looking past Colombia on this one. Or Sweden/Switzerland. Or Croatia/Russia. As Harry Kane would undoubtedly say, only less industrially, “let’s take each game as it fucking comes, yeah?”.