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Friday, 12 March 2010

Literally Corner

Literally Corner has gone and literally got too big for its boots. Luckily, we've found it some new space.

So welcome to Literally Corner. Come in, put your feet up and enjoy a roll call of the nation's pundits stating the bastarding obvious in such a linguistic manner as to make it completely ridiculous.

February 16 2013. Soccer Saturday. Paul Merson on Everton - "This team is literally on the ceiling." Merson then proceeds to use the word 'literally', incorrectly, a further half a dozen times to emphasis his point.

Oh Merse. You wordsmith, you. No wonder Fellaini scores so many headers when him and his teammates are literally playing on another level.

September 23 2012. Liverpool v Man Utd. Gary Neville (THEY'RE LIKE BUSES) - "You've got a young United player and a young Liverpool player, actually, who are just literally going to snap each other".

That may be all well and good Gary, but which of the four bits do you then send off?

September 17 2012. Everton v Newcastle. Gary Neville (FINALLY GOT HIM) - "It's literally keeping them on your windscreen wipers"

Got to be honest here, we don't have a clue what he's on about. Cars on the pitch at Goodison is it? Just sound driving advice? Did he actually mean wing mirrors? Whichever way you look at it, still bollocks. Well done G-Nev. We KNEW you couldn't resist forever.

February 26 2012. Arsenal v Spurs. Rob Hawthorne - "Am I right in saying that literally anything can happen in this second half?"

No Rob. Pretty sure 0-0, 1-0, 1-1 and 2-1 are all out of the window. Literally.

January 14 2012. Phil Thompson on Soccer Saturday. Phil Thompson - 'Martin O'Neill has literally lifted Sunderland out  [of the mire at the bottom of the league].'

Really Phil? A human man has literally lifted a football club has he? Does this include the club shop? Does it include Niall Quinn? Dolt.

December 10 2011 Swansea v Fulham. Alan McInally for Soccer Saturday - 'Fulham have literally laid siege to the Swansea goal.'

Really Andy? The Liberty Stadium goes all Lord of the Rings as Michel Vorm repels a medievel attack? Surely the FA should be clamping down on this sort of thing.

September 24 2011 Man City v Everton. Jamie Redknapp - '[David Silva] literally floats around the pitch.'

David Silva literally turns into his namesake Blaine as he haunts the City of Manchester Stadium against the Toffees. No wonder he's been so fucking good this season.

April 20 2011 Spurs v Arsenal. Ray Wilkins - '[Cesc Fabregas] literally carries ten yards of space around him.'

Oh REALLY RAY? I'm sure Dr Brian Cox would have something to say about this. Are we talking space or spacetime distortion? Surely you can booked for wilfully creating black holes on the pitch? Perhaps Emmanuel Eboue's sense was sucked into one against Liverpool.

March 19 2011 Fulham v Everton. Phil Neville - 'The dressing rooms at Fulham are literally one in, one out'.

Oh REALLY. It must be chaos before kick off. "Phil. PHIL! It's ten to three and there are still four of us out here. PHIL! Joseph Yobo needs a poo. PHIL NEVILLE. COME OUT OF THERE THIS INSTANT"

January 9 2011 Arsenal v Leeds United. Andy Townsend - 'He's just got to literally put his forehead on that'.

I know Arsenal needed an equaliser, Andy, but advocating some kind of personal scalping is a bit much isn't it?

January 2 2011 Wigan v Newcastle United. Jamie Redknapp on the bunching together of teams in the Premier League - 'You can literally win it, or get relegated'.

That's literally two in the space of 20 minutes Jamie. You can literally win the league or go down? And that's it, is it? Has anyone told Blackpool this? All change in May is it? AS 19 TEAMS GO DOWN?

January 2 2011 Chelsea v Aston Villa. Jamie Redknapp on Ciaran Clark's 91st minute equaliser - "That's literally undefendable."

Really Jamie? So even by playing the offside trap or by properly marking Clark, that would still have gone in would it? That statement is literally undefendable Jamie. And while we're making up words, you are an illiteratelypundidiot.

January 1 2011 West Brom v Manchester United. Richard Keys on James Morrison's equaliser for the Baggies - "They got caught cold, literally."

What Richard? I don't know where to begin. United were involved in a blizzard at the Hawthorns, a weather anomoly that didn't affect the hosts? Flu struck the United back four at exactly the same moment? WAKE UP KEYS, FOR PETE'S SAKE. LITERALLY.

November 27 2010 Manchester United v Blackburn. Alan Shearer - "They were involved in everything. Literally everything fell for Berbatov."

Except it didn't, did it Alan. Those two other goals United scored? They didn't. BOLTON'S EQUALISER? I DON'T THINK SO.

August 17 2010 Young Boys v Tottenham. Erik Thorstvedt - "My jaw literally dropped".

Thorstvedt graduates from Sky's School of Punditry in record time. DON'T JUST SIT THERE SHEPHARD! Re-hinge the man's jaw. He won the FA Cup once, for God's sake.

June 25 2010 Brazil v Portugal. Jonathan Pearce - "the fan zone is down on the beach, literally a stone's throw from here".

Really Jonathan? How far can you throw a stone, exactly? If you've got one, actually, don't chuck it away. You can use it to shut Mick McCarthy up instead.

May 30 2010 England v Japan. Andy Townsend (speaking on... actually, we don't know) - "I was literally just thinking to myself..."

Really Andy? Thinking to yourself were you? Existential was it? Does 'yourself' include the millions listening on telly?

May 12 2010 Fulham v Atletico. Dave Woods (speaking on Atletico's keeper De Gea being named in Spain's provisional World Cup squad) - "He has taken his chance with both hands. Literally"

Really Dave? His handling is so good he can catch a concept?

April 28 2010 Barcelona v Inter Milan. Clive Tyldesley - "Barcelona will quite literally play out of their skins."

Really Clive? So they will be peeled? Idiot.


  1. Actually one of the most brilliant things I have ever read.


  2. I literally couldn't agree more with you