A (Sort Of) Brave (Sort Of) New Dawn

David Bernstein kicks a ball at a child (presumably), yesterday

As half of the universe was hanging on the future of potentially the most significant export to come out of Belgium since waffles, waffle makers and confusing instances at Magic Spongers HQ when realising the difference between ‘Belgian’ and ‘Birds Eye’, something else was going on in the bowels of England’s national stadium.

The FA announced yesterday that the ‘shareholders’ (the county football associations) had voted to bring in “a new player pathway for football” with an 87% majority. After doubtless asking ‘what?’, the likelihood is that you’ve joined our initial response on these fair pages which was – quite reasonably – to ask the FA what the FUCK took so long?

Pearce. And Quiet

"How the hell did they find out about 'Bevington's Bollock Cabinet'?"

At the moment, the English national football team has no manager, no (full-time) captain and no Wayne Rooney. And the FA, thus far – perhaps wary of capacity issues in the ‘Bevington Bollock Cabinet’, the cupboard in Adrian Bevington’s office where all the previously dropped bollocks have been stored since sweeping them under the carpet got impractical and not a little messy – has offered no resolution.

Without the governing body to harangue, attention has turned largely to dismissing Stuart Pearce’s tenure as England manager as temporary, like some kind of Fabio Capello residue that needs a quick power-hosing off after this prearranged commitment at Wembley. Inevitable though it seems that he will be stripped of the job, the wilful carte blanche being applied to England’s performance at Euro 2012 could endanger Capello’s permanent successor as much as the perceived lack of pressure (relatively, of course) could benefit the squad’s performance.

English Jobs for English Workers

'What competition?'

Handing you over to a man who has obviously read the Magic Spongers blueprint - filing a piece months late - here is the ever-excellent Dan Forman on a still pertinent issue

In October last year (for it has taken me this long to get round to writing this piece) those of you without access to the Times website (or unwilling to pay a pound for the paper) may have had the misfortune to miss this fine, considered piece of sportswriting from Mike Atherton.

No Spain, No Gain

We give up lads, you can have it

The FA, who can always be relied upon to completely miss a trick, abjectly failed to take advantage of some joint marketing potential last month, scheduling England’s friendly with Spain for Saturday (which is in November) and not for the weekend of Halloween (which wasn’t). You can’t help but get the feeling that a festival now associated with horror and scary stuff would suit the World Cup winners, because quite frankly, their squad is downright terrifying.

A Very English Upset

"I'm quite good you know."

So here we are again. Another English qualifying campaign is set to come to a close and you could be forgiven for thinking that this had been the case a month ago with England’s 1-0 victory over the Welsh. Never ones for particularly long memories, most of the talk spewing forth from the frothing mouths of the English media collective seems to have centred on Wayne Rooney’s dad or Phil Jones’ debut. But England underestimate Montenegro at their peril.

The Generation Game

"Frank Lampard never played for Milan... golden generation my arse."



*Disclaimer. Some or all of what follows may be completely fictional and not represent in any way, shape or form the beliefs of Magic Spongers.

When Spandau Ballet wrote their seminal hit ‘Gold’ in 1983 about the so-called golden generation of Trevor Francis, Tony Woodcock, Luther Blisset, Paul Mariner et al, the fanfare was short-lived as England failed to qualify for the European Championships a year later. Though the song would live on in chain pubs across the land on Saturday nights, the golden generation proved to be of pyrite persuasion, shining brightly in the April sun in a 2-0 victory over Hungary, before succumbing to the talents of Michael Laudrup and Jesper Olsen at Wembley in September ’84 and ultimately petering out.

Armbands And Firebrands

"Just do what the fuck you want"

After a couple of weeks of nostalgia and pretending to be grown-ups, we thought it about time we had a good old rant. Wonder what our favourite subjects over at England have been up to? What? WHAT? He made him CAPTAIN? Oh goody...

There’s a certain laissez-faire that can creep in when you know you’re about to leave a job. Depending on how much you cared about it in the first place, it can sway from proudly maintaining your professionalism until the bitter end to basically, ahem, not giving a fuck anymore. Naturally, you don’t want anyone to notice that you can’t be arsed to make the brews, let alone the decisions, as your contract winds down. But when you start contradicting yourself, say, or ignoring your colleagues and give the impression that you’ll be glad when all this shit is someone else’s responsibility, you should expect to be exposed to the occasional shellacking.

Magic Spongers Are The Prats In Hats

My attention has been drawn to the The Sun's latest back page offering and by jingo, it's a little belter. I'd just like to say The Sun gets it absolutely spot on yet again. Congratulations to Paul Jiggins for his hilarious riposte. Here's to The Sun. And here's to Paul Jiggins. The bastions of good sense and reasoned response. AMEN THE SUN. And Paul Jiggins. In your FACE Magic Spongers. Or should I say, Magic Shits. Mark Bright

Prats Identified - Hats in Post

The FUTURE of England

We’re up on the Mount again, get ready for the sermon everyone. We wouldn’t have had to do this if Gareth bloody Southgate had kept his mouth shut at half time. But he didn’t, did he. Or if the Sun hadn’t thought it hilarious to lead on the back page today with ‘Prat in a hat’. But they did, didn’t they. It is with a beleaguering sense of déjà vu that we find ourselves taking issue with imbeciles who don’t understand the game. Or at least understand it in some utterly warped parallel universe kind of way where England are placed sixth in the Fifa world rankings. Oh shit, THEY ARE.

Terry Putsches Above His Weight

It’s unclear whether or not John Terry has ever read The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, but if he were to, perhaps he could superimpose the concept of himself as Our Glorious Leader over the notion of a supernatural creator and realise he is in fact a delusion himself and not in fact the saviour of English football. Please listen to me John: you are NOT England captain anymore.

Let me recap. England’s Brave John Terry turns up to a press conference with something clearly on his mind, betrayed by the beads of sweat trickling down his forehead. As if his life depended on it, Terry then blurts out that all is far from well in the camp. That Fabio Capello is so bloody-mindedly sticking to a flawed formula that England’s place in the World Cup is in severe jeopardy. Publicly calling for Joe Cole’s inclusion and stressing that if his words upset the manager, ”so what”, Terry went further, by some considerable margin, than any English player has ever gone in criticising life under Capello. Something had clearly come to a head for the FORMER England captain. Shame he couldn’t have used his before voicing his dismay in the media before even going to his manager’s door.

Quite what prompted Terry to go public with his concerns, only he knows. If it was an exercise in appeasing a disaffected public in the wake of the abysmal stalemate with Algeria, it was at best ill-conceived and at worst sheer bloody stupid. He has gone into the press room juggling apples and ended up with onions all over his face. To Terry apologists, once again, the bravest man to come out of England since Terry Butcher has once more bounded into the breach, dear friends. He shall never surrender.

Well, someone needs to remind him that he is not captain anymore. That he doesn’t speak for the players. His vanity has been his downfall in that he has spectacularly misjudged the level of support he has in the dressing room – only long-suffering mate Frank Lampard offered any sympathy and even then it was distanced. And first and foremost, someone needs to remind him that you don’t go running to the media to criticise your manager. Not when your manager is Fabio Capello anyway.

Capello, for his part, has played the whole situation as expertly as one would expect. He has isolated the ringleader and treated him for the entire world to see as a petulant little schoolboy who has made a “big mistake”. Capello asserted: “The mistake is you have to speak with the players, with me, with the dressing room.” And so, what could feasibly have been a minor revolt passed off as a non-event triggered by the passion, yes, but also the vanity of one man. As far as rebellions go it was less blood and thunder and more mouse fart. The Italian left no one under any illusions who is boss, as was the only way he could have successfully dealt with Terry’s display of dissent. You are not in Cobham now, John.

Terry has form with this ‘heart on sleeve’ bollocks as we all well know. Hearsay this may be, though I doubt it, JT also fell out with the best manager in the worldTM, Jose Mourinho, up until then his loyal right-hand man, back in 2007. When Mourinho sought to discover if there was a physical reason for Terry’s sub-standard performances, the brave one was furious. He has always been able to dish out criticism but has rarely been able to take it. This much is true when he, not in so many words, says that Emile Heskey is crap (by calling for Cole’s inclusion). Yet, if memory serves, was it not JT’s wretchedly lazy backpass that meant we almost lost to Algeria on Friday night? If he was indispensible to England, I could just about stomach his outburst. But he isn’t. Perhaps more so now with injuries to Rio Ferdinand and Ledley King, alongside the suspension of Jamie Carragher, but certainly through lack of viable options rather than his own form. Capello has laid down the gauntlet, JT needs to rid himself of this ludicrous God complex and pick it up. Adam Bushby

Land of Hype and Glory

If this was supposed to be the warm up game in which England proved they were ready to surpass expectations this summer, it disappointed. It is, however, unlikely that ‘surpass’ and ‘expectations’ were the words featuring on Fabio Capello’s list of things to achieve at Wembley last night, though ‘warm’ and ‘up’ were probably high on the agenda.

In light of the FA Cup and Championship Playoff finals’ ‘pitchgate’ issues, Capello may well have been happiest to escape the obligatory Wembley farewell with no significant new injuries. A slight neck strain for Wayne Rooney appears to be the only blemish. Ledley King’s knees and Rio Ferdinand’s back, the two biggest anatomical concerns on display, appeared to survive their respective excursions, even if it was with a relative paucity of mobility.

Most reactions to the game are suggesting that Capello has work to do, while seemingly forgetting that the game itself was part of the work. While the pre-match suggestion of a trial 3-5-2 system remained just that, the match was always going to comprise both England and Mexico XIs being tweaked and adjusted throughout.
In the first place, this was an England purposefully shorn of its double-winning Chelsea contingent. A starting eleven missing three of its most consistent (Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole and John Terry) and traditionally, one of its most inventive (Joe Cole) performers was always going to look disjointed. Lampard’s absence became all the more evident with Steven Gerrard also moved from the centre to roam from the left, but consequently provided little to no cover for a nervy Leighton Baines. In Gerrard’s absence, James Milner and Michael Carrick were handed the reins in midfield.

While form may be temporary, some losses are for a longer temporary period than others. Carrick seems to be suffering a lengthy dip and his at-times sloppy distribution contributed to England making a characteristically sluggish start. Milner, despite being full of industry, struggled to match the verve of the Mexican attacks and Walcott’s service to an increasingly aggravated Rooney was non-existent – a fact made all the more obvious by Aaron Lennon’s cameo.

A cameo was all that was reserved for Adam Johnson in the end too, while the other much-discussed potential debutant Michael Dawson did not feature at all. Both should play against Japan in Graz, but it seems an odd decision not to allow their first significant exposure to international football to be at Wembley. The pressure on both to perform in the final outing before the squad is announced will be higher than last night’s send-off at the national stadium.

Nevertheless, criticism of the England side seems unfounded. It would be a hard-hearted fan who could not forgive those being mindful of the Wembley pitch, but moreover, judgement on a mix-and-match England has been swift and harsh. Mexico may have looked the better side for most of the game, but an England side with notable absentees saw off its World Cup peer comfortably in the end – precisely the thing that those criticising Capello’s dearth of options below his starting XI would have you believe was England’s weakness. Capello is assessing his squad continuously and the warm up games are part of it. Those wishing to see the real World Cup-ready England will have to wait until Rustenburg on June 12th. Rob MacDonald

Capello Seeks The Right Blend

Full-time England fan Will Hodges explains that experience is the order of the day for Fabio Capello's provisional World Cup squad

If Sven Goran Eriksson was an icy Swede with a fiery interior then Capello is the opposite: a fiery Italian with an inner core that for the most part appears calm and reliable. True to his nature, the Italian’s picks for his 30-man South Africa party threw up few surprises, a far cry from Sven’s 2006 selection which famously included 17-year-old Theo Walcott, whose limited experience had peaked with the odd run-around for Arsenal’s reserves. On the contrary, Capello’s choices were by and large practical and well-merited.

The biggest ‘shocks’ were undoubtedly the recalls for former Sven stalwarts Jamie Carragher and Joe Cole who, for a variety of reasons ranging from retirement to injury and loss of form have been more or less absent from the Italian’s plans to date. Their inclusion, however, further highlights Capello’s level-headedness when it comes to team selection. For all the talk of impact players and ‘secret weapons’, when it comes to international tournaments, top level experience is one commodity that can never be overlooked.

The England manager has never been one to discriminate on the basis of age, particularly when older players are concerned. His trust in David Beckham, though gently probed by the press, was testament to his belief in his own tactical nous rather than the kind of blind faith in the midfielder held by his predecessor. That Beckham was touching 35 held no worry for Capello, who, through the benefit of his illustrious career on the continent, has come to appreciate the need for reliable figures both on the pitch and in the dressing room. The Italian is no mug; take a glance at team-list of any world class international team and you find a healthy smattering of mid-30s stalwarts still plying their trade at the highest level. Likely to play a pivotal role in their country’s fortunes this summer are Gilberto of Brazil, Italy’s Cannavaro and Henry of France, to name but three.

As much as it goes against the instinct of the supporter back home, at international tournaments inexperience just doesn’t cut it. For all the good Theo Walcott’s summer of bench warming did him in 2006, Sven’s refusal to play him even when faced with little or no alternative spoke volumes. Likewise, take Steven Gerard and Rio Ferdinand’s respective inclusion as teenagers in Euro 2000 and France 98; promising glimpses of potential over the course of a Premier League season doth not a reliable back-up plan make. The exceptions to this line of thinking, of course, are Messrs Rooney and Owen, but by the time of their inclusion both had established themselves as exceptional talents more than capable of playing at the highest level. Rooney already had a credible number of international caps to his name.

That is why Carragher, for all his faults and much chronicled loss of pace over the past season, more than justifies his selection. My only grievance would be if Capello had the necessary sagacity to bring Carragher back into the fold then why not Sol Campbell? Although admittedly no longer the defensive rock of the 1998 and 2002 World Cups, Sol has made a remarkable, if not unexpected return to Arsenal’s first team, putting in a series of strong, dependable performances for the Gunners during the tail-end of their campaign. Though far behind John Terry, Rio Ferdinand and Ledley King in the pecking order, Campbell would have presented a far more reliable back-up option than Matthew Upson, who for the most part is untested on the European or international stage, plying his largely unremarkable trade at the likes of Birmingham City and West Ham. His presence in Capello’s squads has been largely due to the self-imposed exile of Carragher coupled with the much-chronicled injury problems suffered by King since his last cap in 2007. Now both these issues appear to have been resolved, it begs the question ‘what is he doing there?’.

For Carragher, read also Joe Cole, returning to international set-up after a long lay-off though injury. Arguably England’s best player in Germany four years ago and still only 28, Cole has more than 50 caps to his name, not to mention extensive Champions League experience and this, in my view, more than justifies his selection. For all the championing of Adam Johnson’s form at Manchester City over the past few months, who would you rather have lining up on the left of midfield in the event of an injury to Steven Gerrard? Johnson may be flavour of the month but while Ashley Young, Stewart Downing and countless other bright young things have tried and failed to clinch the left wing position in recent years, Cole has rarely disappointed during his service in the white jersey.

Of course, neither Cole nor Carragher are dead certs to make it onto the plane and both will need to prove themselves in the warm-up games. With both men old hands when it comes to these kinds of proceedings, however, neither are likely to be quaking in their boots.Experience breeds level-headedness – a trait Capello has in spades. In the wake of the minor ‘Capello Index’ blip, the press pack are likely to take it upon themselves to attempt to find fault with the Italian’s final squad election come May 30, but while the hapless Eriksson only invited trouble in this regard, one would assume Capello’s composure will win out.