'Arry's Mad

No, this isn’t an article about a ‘90s children’s programme about a gobshite parrot. If you wanted a reason, one massive reason, a reason so glaringly obvious it is about as subtle as a kick to the bollocks, that Harry Redknapp should NEVER EVER get the England job, please read his 'dissection' of England's latest game. And because the Sun didn’t attach a ‘Jingoistic Bullshit Warning’, we probably should.

WARNING: THIS is jingoistic bullshit.

Actually, it does explain a lot. Not about England v Montenegro, admittedly, but mindless drivel of such a stellar ilk goes a long way towards illustrating why Spurs have no Plan B besides juggling centre-backs and chucking on Roman Pavlyuchenko when the going gets ropey.

As we’ve basically taken issue with the whole article, we’ll start at the beginning, with a reminder that this is necessary because people actually have their opinions influenced (and in some cases formed) by this so-called ‘expert’ analysis.

GOALKEEPER: Admittedly, it’s hard to get something wrong when there’s only one thing to say about it. ‘Arry just about manages to steer clear of any idiocy here, though by mentioning David James it appears he still considers him the most immediate example of competition to Hart. NEXT.

DEFENCE: Obviously ‘Arry didn’t watch the World Cup. Spain (who WON IT, remember ‘Arry?) conceded TWICE all tournament and were the only team ever not to concede a goal in the knockout stages. And which Spanish players topped the Castrol Performance Index after the tournament? Well, Sergio Ramos was top, Joan Capdevila second, Carles Puyol third and Gerard Pique fifth. So Spain’s back four then. I THINK THEY MIGHT BE THE BEST BACK FOUR IN THE WORLD.

Rio has a couple of years left in him at best. John Terry is a liability against the very best strikers. Glen Johnson can’t actually defend. Ashley Cole is one of England’s few world class players, but that fact cannot account for the paucity of the back four Redknapp would presumably select were he in charge. You wouldn’t swap that four for Spain’s? Bollocks.

MIDFIELD: Here, Harry continues to confirm our suspicions that he would continue picking the same side as Sven did, even when the players are all 40. Gerrard, Lampard and Beckham are all world class, so LET'S USE THEM. Beckham can hit Crouch, and we'll win the World Cup.

And it’s four across the middle, of course. They didn't use 4-4-2 in the 80s for nothing.

‘There is a good chance Frank would have scored on Tuesday night at Wembley so his absence was keenly felt’. The mind boggles. It just absolutely boggles. Coming back from injury into a midfield that had performed well in his absence, Lampard was odds-on to score was he? He was odds-on to be on the bench, that’s what he was. The Redknapp household must lose a fuckload on ‘first goalscorer’ bets every week, that’s all I can say.

ATTACK: ’PETER CROUCH is 6ft 7in tall so his best asset is an obvious one’. No, it isn’t. He is built like a fucking breadstick and as we said yesterday, and we know it’s nothing revolutionary, he’s not great in the air. Not even your OWN SIDE play that way to Crouch. Advocating that particular long ball is completely mindless. But say England persist with it. What then?

The really juicy stuff is in here. Apparently Wayne Rooney is ‘superb at running at defences with the ball’. This is news to me. Rooney can skin anyone on his day? Oh yes, he's got SO MUCH PACE HASN'T HE. Great idea Harry. Let's drop Rooney off the striker just as he becomes one of the best at leading the line in the Premier League (albeit last year). Let's stunt him again. He scored fuckloads from inside the box last season. But no, we don't want him there. We want him behind the strikers picking up the ball and sliding passes through to... PETER CROUCH WAS IT?

So there we have it. The self-styled next England manager in waiting. I don’t fucking think so. Or at least I fucking well hope not. We hate to use expletives here at Magic Spongers, but fucking hell. Maybe the article we posted in the summer was spot on after all.