The Very Wrong Stuff

We don’t enjoy all this ranting and raving, you know. Bushby’s already got notoriously high blood pressure. But sometimes it is absolutely necessary. It would have been really nice to write a celebration of Barcelona’s masterclass in El Clasico, or an excitable review of the FA Cup draw, which is sending York to Bolton in January. Unfortunately, though, Panorama broadcast a programme about corruption in FIFA, and the Sun shat itself.

Such a swell of misplaced righteous indignation hasn’t been seen since the Southwark Men’s Monday Night Premier Division stopped awarding Man of the Match awards with MacDonald and Bushby tied on two each for the season. Mind you, we stopped short of branding it ‘laughable’, calling them ‘unpatriotic’, illustrating FIFA’s corruption using Strictly Come Dancing as a benchmark and generally indulging in a period of uncontrollable sobbing that made us vomit at the sheer unfairness of it all.

‘Brainless, Betraying, Cretinous’ wept Ian Wright in his column for our favourite tabloid The Sun, which I suggest you read here, because there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to take all of it to task. ‘Don't the Beeb want England to win?’, wailed the paper’s editorial, under the slightly unnecessary headline ‘BBC Madness’. I tell you what, Sun editorial and Ian Wright, they probably don’t give a shit.

Since when was the BBC answerable to FIFA or the FA? Or to you cretins? ‘I think the people behind Panorama are not actually sports fans’, surmised Wrighty, without any factual basis, ‘but the fact they were allowed to get away with it is the worst thing’. Do you know what, Ian, they probably aren’t. But I like that you think it would make a blind bit of difference to them doing their JOBS AS INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISTS. What exactly are they getting away with, pray tell? And who exactly do you see ‘letting them’ do so?

Most of the Sun’s blubbing is of course caused by the timing of the BBC’s broadcast: “Legitimate inquiries earlier by The Sunday Times, a sister paper of The Sun, have already revealed dodgy dealings involving FIFA members, for which two were suspended. The BBC could have shown its film any time. Why pick the worst possible moment for English football?”

Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps in light of OTHER RECENT ALLEGATIONS IT SEEMED A PERTINENT ISSUE? But those allegations were different weren’t they, because it implicated the Spanish and Qatari bids and didn’t involve England. It was patriotic, because WE ARE THE SUN AND WE ARE ENGLAND AND JAMES CORDEN IS REALLY FUNNY AND ‘ARRY REDKNAPP IS THE WORLD’S BEST MANAGER.

‘There is no doubt that there are some serious issues inside FIFA,’ Ian Wright whiffles further. ‘They have to be looked at and maybe a proper, independent review is needed. But all this is for another day.’ Oh yes. That’s the answer alright. The bastards are corrupt, make a vast tax-exempt profit out of every World Cup and enjoy backhanders from corporate partners, but never mind that, let’s stick our noses up their arses and hope they come to our country and do the same thing. Let’s not upset them in case… in case they what? DON’T bring their special mix of money grabbing old men and expensive lunches to the country and cost us a fortune?

You can’t say there are serious issues inside FIFA, advocate an independent review, and then expect everyone to sweep it under the carpet until England gets the result it wants in a process that has ALREADY been shown to be wholly corrupt. HELLO WRIGHTY? Why on earth is it for another day? I know you’ve made an all-too-frequent career of being ‘Mr England’, but that’s not even patriotic. It is IDIOTIC.

Fuck it, let’s sign up to their demands for guarantees of tax exemption. Never mind that the Dutch bid team worked out it’d cost the country €150m to host the tournament. Never mind that we’ve got an Olympic Games bill to foot as well which we can’t even afford. No, let’s get the World Cup and line FIFA’s pockets further.

Let’s have them endorse England’s bid! Brilliant! After all, ‘we are talking about cash exchanges that happened two decades ago’. Ah yes. Of course. Well that’s fine then. I think the Yorkshire Ripper’s due for a parole hearing soon. People call him a serial killer but that’s an old allegation.

‘Is this what we pay our licence fee for’, the editorial bleated further. No, it isn’t. You pay your licence fee so you’ve got some reality TV and other D-list celebrity tat to fill the rest of your paper with. And up chimes Wright again, as if on cue, perhaps unaware that Strictly Come Dancing doesn’t have a governing body: ‘Would they have done something to affect the future of Strictly?’ What, like sacking one of the judges for being too old and replacing her with Alesha Dixon? ‘Of course they wouldn't’. OF COURSE THEY WOULD. IDIOT.

‘If we are awarded the World Cup – and I am desperate for this to happen – this country will have nothing to thank the BBC for’, sniffles Wright, drying his eyes and getting stuck into his hot chocolate before bedtime. No Ian, it won’t. Because they don’t answer to your ridiculous brand of sensationalism, which you and others might choose to call patriotism, and neither should they. They have no interest in the English bid, because for a start, they’re called the BRITISH Broadcasting Corporation. I suppose you’ll be taking the stand to match your principles and never appearing on the channels again then? Oh I forgot, you’re already doing pretty well on Five at the moment with that wonderful show of yours (raucous laughter). We can’t wait for the fallout when Brighty gets a wind of this…