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Thursday, 28 April 2011

Brighty's Vested Interest


And here we were thinking we could go on holiday. If you haven’t read this latest piece of tripe by Mark Bright, please take a moment to do so while Magic Spongers cracks its collective knuckles and prepares for a bit of Brighty-panning, the nation’s new favourite sport.

While we never went quite as far as assuming that Brighty had an on/off switch, this latest offering, combined with his general inability to form coherent sentences while commentating on the match between Cardiff and QPR, made us think that someone at the Metro is either trying to stitch him up big time or is so in his thrall that they will print whatever piece of buffoonery comes out of the man’s mouth.

Ignore the admittedly snidey subediting that made it seem as though Brighty thought Tamir Cohen’s tribute to his father Avi was the issue. His problem appears to be with what footballers can get away with putting on their vests and what we should be doing something about the fact that players can effectively advertise whatever they like.

As an example: “My old team-mate Ian Wright revealed he had broken Cliff Bastin’s Arsenal scoring record on a vest with the Nike-inspired slogan ‘Just Done It’. Great marketing, some would say.” Now we have a couple of issues with this. Firstly, he revealed he had broken Bastin’s scoring record by scoring his 179th goal for Arsenal. No one saw that vest and thought “Shit me. He’s broken the record? Well thank fuck for that vest”. Secondly – and perhaps indicative of the point Brighty is trying to make, he opines, “great marketing, some would say”. Oh yes, Mark Bright. Sublime stuff, from ARSENAL’S KIT MANUFACTURER. Whose logo is on their shirts, shorts, socks and most boots for the ENTIRE SEASON. WHAT A CONSPIRACY.

Somewhat sneakily, Brighty’s subeditor has also slipped FIFA into the article’s title, when in fact the body of text says nothing about them. Maybe someone really IS trying to stitch him up. However, Brighty offers no solution to this particularly diseased area of the game. He is worried though, so fair play:

“I just wonder whether there comes a point when perhaps this trend has gone a little too far. Where does it stop? A player will be saying ‘I got divorced’, ‘I’ve had a baby’, ‘I love my car’... or how long before a player reveals a JustGiving page on his shirt for us to donate to?”

WHAT? Do you seriously believe there is a risk that a player will put ‘I love my car’ on a vest? I LOVE MY CAR? And why has JustGiving been targeted? What’s wrong with JustGiving? I just wonder whether there comes a point when YOU will stop, Brighty. Please stop. Stop this lunacy.

But he’s not finished: “On top of all this, there seem to be more one-minute silences now then ever.” Ignore, if you can, the fact that it should be ‘than’ and not ‘then’, and just think about what a mindless sentiment this is. It’s like saying, ‘is it me, or are there more apples in my fruit bowl this week?’ IT DEPENDS BRIGHTY. It depends how many apples you’ve bought and how much fruit you eat. Perhaps there have been a lot of respectful silences recently because A LOT OF SHIT THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.

Presumably Brighty is referring to is the fact that there were silences as a mark of respect in the aftermath of two earthquakes – in New Zealand and Japan – in relatively quick succession (for earthquakes anyway). And in a way, this last, throwaway piece of shite at the end of the article is the worst. We can go to a memorial service if we want to pay our respects can we? SHUT UP. We go to our clubs to be part of a community and to be part of an entity large enough to show its respects on an appropriately grandiose scale. Other fans no doubt have friends and loved ones who become caught up in natural disasters, and players do too. Ever heard of Ryan Nelsen, Brighty? Do you think he was wondering what the point was when Blackburn Rovers and their fans wanted to show their respects? Don’t be so fucking flippant.

And last, but certainly not least: “Let’s use the football field for what it’s intended – to entertain”. Yes, again, this sentence doesn’t really make sense. But it’s this sort of careless opinion that really winds us up. Football’s changed, Brighty. Get used to it. Like it or not, it is now a global forum and the messages and posturing that come out of the game are not always forces used for evil. I’ll always remember Gary Taylor-Fletcher’s tribute to Richard Butcher earlier in the season having scored for Blackpool against Liverpool. Poignant, heartfelt and definitely appropriate.

There is absolutely no problem in the game revolving around minute’s silences and messages on shirts. Do you not think you could have addressed the issues of image rights instead, and how much players can earn above and beyond their contract perhaps? Maybe say what that’s doing to the game and its employees?

There IS a problem with ex-professionals spouting off total bullshit in positions they have only acquired by virtue of being ex-professionals. I know this is a recurring issue. But look at that article. How long is it? How much effort has really gone into it? I’ll hazard a guess at fucking zero. The problem, Brighty, is your and others’ mindless insistence on totally missing the point.

4 comments:

  1. Newspapers are saturated with columns by ex players; so it always seems a shame they are mostly unable to shed any fresh insight onto the one thing so few of us have done - play top flight professional football.

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  2. Get a fucking life you bellend

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  3. Oh so that's why I don't read the Metro, I knew there was a reason.

    This article is bang on the money. I imagine Brighty is thinking people will be looking over their papers at each other on the morning commute, asking if they're reading his article and marvelling how astoundingly insightful to actually say it, 'football is for entertainment.'

    I look will now read his back catalogue for comedy value.

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