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Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Dickheads #2 - Sky Sports News, Transfer Deadline Day

You're a BLOODY LIAR

A warm welcome back to Magic Spongers for Dave Hartrick, who takes up the baton of rage and fury and smashes Jim White firmly over the head with it.

Firstly, let me make something very clear, I genuinely love Sky Sports News - it soundtracks at least three quarters of my day every day.

However…

For two days a year it’s absolutely unbearable.

It’s a nonsensical maelstrom of bullshit, hyperbole, hypocrisy and people in coats reporting from car parks. It’s a mess of half-stories, whispers, wind-up merchant agents and made-up text messages. It’s a forced Andy Burton wet dream wrapped up in over-the-top Sky Sports wrapping and we’re supposed to enjoy it.

I am of course talking about the ticker-tape parade of drivel in celebration of transfer deadline day – the culmination of the on-screen countdown that’s been running for far too many weeks already.

If you need any further confirmation of the general bell-endery that surrounds ‘Deadline Day’, I would draw your attention to the following transcript from any one of the last four of the bastards. Our players are usually two male SSN presenters (because the day is suddenly and inexplicably no place for women – a rule I believe they call the ‘Keys & Gray Dictum’) in identikit Jamie Redknapp black suits, white shirts and thin black tie combos.

For the sake of the piece we shall call them ‘Steve’ and ‘Tony’. To their right sits ‘Randy’. He’s a liar.

*Any likeness to actual SSN presenters is coincidental…ish*

Steve: Just 20 minutes left of the most nail-biting, gut-wrenching, exhilarating and bowel-movement inducing day of your life folks, it’s transfer deadline day again

Tony: Deadline day Steve

Steve: Thanks Tony, let’s cross immediately to Randy who’s keeping an eye on several phones, all but one switched off

Tony: To Randy Steve

Randy: Yes and as usual I can tell you there’s activity all over the place, I have literally just received one text message and it’s telling me that if I order a medium Dominos Pizza tonight I will get another for half price… but unfortunately, terms and conditions do apply

Steve: Fascinating Randy, any actual transfer activity?

Tony: Actual transfers Steve

Randy: Well as per usual I can tell you several professional footballers are watching and texting in – hello to you Bobo Baldé, and if you keep playing with it like that, Tony Dorigo, it’ll drop off

Steve: Any news on any of the head-exploding, knee-capping, body-poppin’ deals you were telling us about?

Tony: Body poppin’ Steve

Randy: Not so far, but I’m confident the Messi to Wolves story has got legs; it’s deadline day so Darren Bent should be going somewhere; and we’re not far from knowing if Bobby Charlton is interested in the move to Manchester City

Steve: Have you got anything worth crossing to you for since we last did so 10 minutes ago?

Tony: 10 minutes Steve

Randy: Just the pizza

Steve: Sounds delicious Randy, speak to you soon so you can lie to us some more. Now let’s catch up to our army of roving reporters, who’ve seen more action than that shit house Kate Adie and a wasp on speed combined this crashing, banging and walloping transfer deadline day. First let’s go to John in the North East, any activity to report John?

Tony: To report John?

John: Well as we know, Newcastle United completed their final transfer three weeks ago, have issued a statement saying their business is done, have shut and locked the doors at St James Park and the training ground, switched the fax machine off and left no one in the office to conduct any sort of transfer what so ever… but saying that, I do think there’s more to come from them before the deadline Steve

Steve: And anything else to report from the area John?

Tony: Anything else John?

John: I miss Darren Bent

Steve: Sky Sports’ very own John in the North-East there, literally lashing himself to something solid as the hurricane of transfer deadline day madness cranks up another gear. Now Manchester and to Colin; any news?

Tony: Any news Colin?

Colin: We know Bobby Charlton is mulling over City’s offer and another report suggests that the entire Barcelona and AC Milan first teams are about to move to Eastlands for something in the region of the total debt incurred by Germany during both World Wars. I have also been told by City officials that I’ve parked my car in an illegal space and it will get clamped, but that’s so far unconfirmed Steve

Steve: Manchester City, in your face like a low-slung bass, don’t imitate just innovate, transfer deadline day – the greatest day of our lives. Now to Craig in the Midlands; what says you Craig?

Tony: Says you Craig?

Craig: Well hold onto that desk with both hands, wrap your legs around something solid and tell your best friend to run to your house and hide your porn: Steve Sidwell has been spotted sofa shopping in Sutton Coldfield

Steve: DFS or Sofa World Craig?

Craig: DFS Steve and we are led to believe they have offered him a role as a junior salesman with an impressive and achievable bonus structure based in both sales and customer experience

Steve: Bend me over and perform a prostate exam, the Sidwell deal will explode all over your face and leave you feeling like a plasterer’s radio you lucky, lucky people, Sky Sports News, transfer deadline day, bang

Tony: Plasterer’s radio Steve

Steve: Well thanks for that Craig, I’m so excited I’m positively erect. And now to Clive on the South Coast, verily I say, how does the brightest of days blessed by the Sun God Ra’s bounteous generosity find you Clive?

Tony: Sun God Ra Steve

Clive: Well Steve, despite playing in Bristol, David James has spent the day driving in and out of Portsmouth’s car park. We think he’s either about to sign a £125,000 per week contract with Pompey or he’s taking the piss, but either way he’s run over my foot twice

Steve: Clive’s foot shattered like your spines under the weight of all the transfer goodness we’re shitting on your chest you lucky, lucky viewers. Fred in London – Fred, what’s happening?

Tony: Shitting chests Steve

Fred: No word yet on the 1.2 million strikers approached by ‘Arry Redknapp Steve, although we did hear that a deal for Ade Akinbiyi could be close as ‘Arry thinks he ‘can do sumthin wi the boy’. At Chelsea we believe Roman Abramovich could be on the verge of signing the entire Russian ballet and possibly Neymar, the deal for the ballet closer to conclusion. At QPR, we hear Damon Hill’s close to signing on the dotted line and West Ham are preparing a structured deal for Benni McCarthy’s unpaid food bill at the local Nandos – come back to me on that one, it could run and run

Steve: Anything at Arsenal Fred?

Fred: No

Steve: We’ve splashed our transfer juice all over you and it’s now time to cross to Big Ben like it’s New Year’s Eve because we are THAT arrogant about our coverage of the end of World War Three, or as some idiots call it, the transfer deadline

Tony: Big Ben Steve

Big Ben: Bong… Bong… Bong… Bong… Bong… Bong

Tony: Bong Bong Steve

Steve: And that’s it, the excitement’s over and female presenters allowed back on the station, we’ve quite literally shat ourselves all over the transfer news ticker

Tony: Shat ourselves Steve

…and end scene…

Sky Sports News 363 days of the year?

Excellent.

Sky Sports News for the 2 transfer deadline days?

Dickheads.

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