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Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Dickheads #12 - Luis Suarez

Dream destroyer

While neutrals everywhere cried into their beer, one man went into Pantomime villain mode and another man has never forgiven him. Please give a warm welcome to Magic Spongers to Jonny Sharples who can be followed here.

It was Friday, July 2 2011 and I sat at home in a knock-off Ghana shirt bought from the side of the road in Accra. I was swearing quite a lot. A hell of a lot. I was angry, I was upset and I'm not even Ghanaian. I can only imagine how much a native of the country feels about him but me? I hate Luis Suarez.

England had been knocked out five days earlier, uninspiring as standard, but I'd never really been supporting my own country. I'd jumped aboard the Ghana bandwagon early, my sister lives in the west African country, I'd drawn them in the work sweepstake and they were playing some lovely football. Nobody had expected Ghana or Uruguay to be contesting a match to be in the last four of the World Cup but they were, and Ghana deserved a place in the semi finals.

Sulley Muntari had scored a long range effort that took Fernando Muslera by surprise, Diego Forlan had scored a goal that left Richard Kingson hanging in the air for what looked like moments. Other than that the game was forgettable. Until minute one hundred and nineteen that is when the Africans battered the Uruguay goal and Dominic Adiyiah's header was surely about to guarantee Ghana a spot in the final four, African's first ever World Cup semi finalists. I was one step closer to the jackpot. My sister was one step closer to being caught up in a wild Accra street party. But then, then, Luis Suarez handles the ball on the line and denies a clear goal. Out comes Olegario Benquerenca's red card and Luis Suarez's rodent like face pleads innocence.

Up steps Asamoah Gyan to thunder his penalty against the crossbar. The camera goes to the Uruaguayan bellend still stood on the sidelines and in a cuntsplosion of excitement, he is seen jumping for joy. The handball isn't the reason I hate Luis Suarez – it was a "natural reaction" (as natural as it can be to punch a ball away when your ratty little face is merely inches behind) – the reason I hate that fucking prize prick is because of his celebration of Gyan's miss. Why was he even there? Why wasn't he in the changing rooms? Why did the fourth official (Alberto Undiano if you want to boo him at some point) allow him to be stood there? What a monumental bellend Luis Suarez is.

Ghana went on to lose the penalty shootout (although Gyan stepping up and superbly placing his into the top corner was inspiring, I can only imagine he imagined wee Luis' face in the angle) and Suarez claimed his was the real Hand of God and he was a hero to millions of complete twats in his home land. Thankfully Uruguay went on to lose their next two matches (to the Netherlands and Germany) and Ghana won their place in the hearts of the world.

But it doesn't stop there, oh no, Luis Suarez decided to come over to England (but not before biting an opponent whilst still at Ajax) and play for a club I despise more than any other; Liverpool. And just when you think you couldn't hate him even more, hearing his voice pronounced in a Scouse accent makes it fucking grate. His first "goal" for Liverpool was an own goal by Andy Wilkinson against Stoke by the way, just so you know.

You know you hate someone so much that you will gladly boo them when you're sat on your own playing Football Manager, you know you think someone is a fucking dick when you're winning on FIFA and they score and you immediately turn the game off... both of these things are occurrences in my life because of Luis Suarez and his stupid fucking face.

Luis Suarez, I fucking hate you. You cost me money. You look like a rodent. You've affected my DNF% on XBox Live. And you're a massive, massive prick. But hey, you play for Liverpool and this is your year...


  1. Funny part?
    - Luis Suarez went on to become one of the most loved players in the world playing for liverpool.
    - Easily top 5 players on the planet.
    - Won the Copa America for Uruguay
    *i. establishing them as the all time kings of South America> over Brazil and Argentina
    *ii. Establishing Uruguay as the nation with the most international titles of all time.
    - Officially named best player in S. America (over Messi and Neymar)

    - Gyan ends up in SUNDERLAND (:D hahahaha).

    Ghanaians, and their fans are officially on suicide watch. The best part? Bitter fools like you make it even sweeeeeeter for the billions who cheered on Uruguay against Ghana during their legendary win. :D :D


    1. "Luis Suarez went on to become one of the most loved players in the world playing for liverpool" everyone thinks hes an utter cunt you retard apart from liverpool fans and bellends like you are the only people who actually like that cheating wank of a "footballer"

    2. England isn't the only country in the world, you know?

  2. Here's some tissue, cry in peace my son :D :D :D :D ;D :D!!

  3. You know what else is funny?

    Suarez and Uruguay were capable of all that but still had to resort to cheating to beat a team of Sunderlandesque players.

  4. "ii. Establishing Uruguay as the nation with the most international titles of all time" - The last of which was about 13 years ago, the rest being mostly earlier than 1960. A Liverpool fan whose estimation of a team's achievements is almost entirely backward looking...who'd have thought such a thing existed? In this respect Uruguay and Liverpool are a very apt pairing of club and international teams. You could say Uruguay are the Liverpool of the world stage. Oh, and nice result against Sunderland yesterday ;)

  5. So you're mad at him for celebrating when they missed the penalty? Do you expect him to be disappointed? And this: "he was a hero to millions of complete twats in his home land." makes you a complete xenophobic twat. And the last two paragraphs...well, they just make you sound like an even bigger prick/bellend/whatever than you are saying Suarez is.

  6. Ah, such bile. How sad does your life have to be to hate a human being you don't know personally,that venomously. What he did was absolutely right and justified. This blog clearly shows up who's the bellend here. Prod on with your bitterness, while he continues to amaze us fans and we love him.

  7. Suarez is clearly not in the world's top 5. Messi, Ronaldo, Iniesta, Xavi, Falcao, Aguero, Busquets, just to name some of the better ones.

  8. I'm from Ethiopia and even Liverpool fans here despise that prick Luis Suarez and i'm a Man Utd Fan so you can't imagine how i feel!!

  9. The guys a dick he should not be allowed to play in the UK. Let him go play for some foreign team but he can only watch his team play if they play here. Did everyone forget he jumped on someone just two weeks ago. No foul because only the TV saw it but not the referee. If he wants to play rough perhaps he should switch to rugby.