Dickheads #12 - Luis Suarez

Dream destroyer

While neutrals everywhere cried into their beer, one man went into Pantomime villain mode and another man has never forgiven him. Please give a warm welcome to Magic Spongers to Jonny Sharples who can be followed here.

It was Friday, July 2 2011 and I sat at home in a knock-off Ghana shirt bought from the side of the road in Accra. I was swearing quite a lot. A hell of a lot. I was angry, I was upset and I'm not even Ghanaian. I can only imagine how much a native of the country feels about him but me? I hate Luis Suarez.

England had been knocked out five days earlier, uninspiring as standard, but I'd never really been supporting my own country. I'd jumped aboard the Ghana bandwagon early, my sister lives in the west African country, I'd drawn them in the work sweepstake and they were playing some lovely football. Nobody had expected Ghana or Uruguay to be contesting a match to be in the last four of the World Cup but they were, and Ghana deserved a place in the semi finals.

Sulley Muntari had scored a long range effort that took Fernando Muslera by surprise, Diego Forlan had scored a goal that left Richard Kingson hanging in the air for what looked like moments. Other than that the game was forgettable. Until minute one hundred and nineteen that is when the Africans battered the Uruguay goal and Dominic Adiyiah's header was surely about to guarantee Ghana a spot in the final four, African's first ever World Cup semi finalists. I was one step closer to the jackpot. My sister was one step closer to being caught up in a wild Accra street party. But then, then, Luis Suarez handles the ball on the line and denies a clear goal. Out comes Olegario Benquerenca's red card and Luis Suarez's rodent like face pleads innocence.

Up steps Asamoah Gyan to thunder his penalty against the crossbar. The camera goes to the Uruaguayan bellend still stood on the sidelines and in a cuntsplosion of excitement, he is seen jumping for joy. The handball isn't the reason I hate Luis Suarez – it was a "natural reaction" (as natural as it can be to punch a ball away when your ratty little face is merely inches behind) – the reason I hate that fucking prize prick is because of his celebration of Gyan's miss. Why was he even there? Why wasn't he in the changing rooms? Why did the fourth official (Alberto Undiano if you want to boo him at some point) allow him to be stood there? What a monumental bellend Luis Suarez is.

Ghana went on to lose the penalty shootout (although Gyan stepping up and superbly placing his into the top corner was inspiring, I can only imagine he imagined wee Luis' face in the angle) and Suarez claimed his was the real Hand of God and he was a hero to millions of complete twats in his home land. Thankfully Uruguay went on to lose their next two matches (to the Netherlands and Germany) and Ghana won their place in the hearts of the world.

But it doesn't stop there, oh no, Luis Suarez decided to come over to England (but not before biting an opponent whilst still at Ajax) and play for a club I despise more than any other; Liverpool. And just when you think you couldn't hate him even more, hearing his voice pronounced in a Scouse accent makes it fucking grate. His first "goal" for Liverpool was an own goal by Andy Wilkinson against Stoke by the way, just so you know.

You know you hate someone so much that you will gladly boo them when you're sat on your own playing Football Manager, you know you think someone is a fucking dick when you're winning on FIFA and they score and you immediately turn the game off... both of these things are occurrences in my life because of Luis Suarez and his stupid fucking face.

Luis Suarez, I fucking hate you. You cost me money. You look like a rodent. You've affected my DNF% on XBox Live. And you're a massive, massive prick. But hey, you play for Liverpool and this is your year...