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Monday, 18 June 2012

Chiles Play


Hello there, I’m Adrian Chiles and not, as has been widely reported, a thumb, knee, foot, pair of bollocks or any other bodily appendage wearing a suit. Welcome to the Euros on ITV.

We’ll be back after this short break.


Welcome back. Joining me in the studio are Roy Keane and Patrick Vieira, fresh from eyeing each other up in the tunnel, haha, weren’t you! You two… they’re always at it! It was years ago and it’s so frosty in here I might chip off some of the atmosphere and put it in my water!

And Roberto di Ma- I mean Roberto Martinez. Those famous escaping skills might come in handy later when it all kicks off in here Roberto, ha! Only this time you’d be leaving behind the TOP three, because we’re all great mates here.

Now, imagine, if you can, being a bloke on the street on a busy Monday evening, trying to sell some balloons. THEN HAVE A LOOK AT THIS FELLA! He’s got so many balloons! I’m surprised he isn’t tied down by his ankles, because he’s got so many balloons he might float away! Perhaps someone with a pin should go down there and put him out of his misery by popping all the balloons!

Roy, any plans to buy Patrick a balloon? No, of course you haven’t. Because you hate each other!

We’ll be back after this.


Welcome back to ITV at Euro 2012. Don’t adjust your set, I’m not a fart in a coffin, I’m Adrian Chiles.

Now, England aren’t playing for three more days, but here’s the latest from the England camp, and Roy Hodgson’s boys have been… haha , playing a bit of head tennis in the swimming pool look, ha, oh my, did you ever do that in your day, Roy? We’re all very jealous in here though aren’t we chaps, a nice relaxing swim there. Shouldn't they be at training?!

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Keano and Patrick Vieira had a spot of that going on back at the hotel later if you know what I mean! Heading each other, though!

While I sit in a lounger next to the pool, knocking one out.

And now here’s a picture of a bloke asleep in a wheelchair, haha. He’s obviously been listening to a bit too much of your tactics, Roberto! As you’re an accomplished Premier League manager and the other two here have accomplished little of note as managers given that their only tactical propensity was for swearing, spitting and fighting.

What if someone just wheeled that bloke round so he was facing the wrong way! He wouldn’t even know if he was still at the match! He’d be wheely cross.

And does anyone remember that bloke with the balloons?!

Now we’re here to see Spain this evening Roberto. They’re good, aren’t they. Here’s the goals they scored against Ireland. Why don’t you talk us through them once in real time and while you’re at it, I’ll give you no opportunity to explain anything, no replays and no slow motion. You’ve got eight seconds.

Keano, Patrick, this sort of tippy taka wouldn’t have happened in your day would it? Because you loved injuring people and getting sent off, didn’t you! I bet you’d love a go at that Iniesta wouldn’t you! The little shit! Maybe you two will fall out live on air!


Keano, you’d let me have some of your hot dog wouldn’t you? We’ll be right back after these messages.


You join us just in time for this… moments from kick off and I’m aware that I haven’t even mentioned who’s playing yet, but for £2m a year you can’t say you don’t get a bit of intrigue!

And there… there it is! Just look at that. An old bloke, a baguette and a ferret. Truly multicultural, these Euros. You could say he was ‘ferreting around’ for some positives. Amazing stuff.

The ball’s on the centre spot so we’ll be back after a quick break, when I'll hand you over to ITV's expert football analyst, Andy Townsend.



  1. chiles is a deformed testicle in a suit.

  2. Adrian Chiles, a theme tune stolen from Peter and the Wolf, Jamie Carragher being completely impossible to understand... this is before we even mention the irritating advert breaks! As much as the BBC continually dissapoint me across the board, their Sports coverage and in particular the Euro 2012 coverage is leagues ahead of the rubbish ITV are spewing out.

  3. i don't mind itv, because as long as there are shit pundits who make watching a replay look like nuclear science, then there will be comic geniuses like magic spongers writing sensational piss taking articles on them. Magic Spongers, I salute you