Robin van POINTLESS

Only half this problem has been solved


If you’re in the bath with the door open, not only are you getting cold, but there’s a chance people might see your balls and start laughing. So, do you pour in more Radox and hot water, in order to create even more bubbles, cover up your balls and keep yourself warm – even though this wastes your resources and threatens the composition of your bath (which was fine before), or do you just get up and shut the door so no one can see your fucking balls?

Depending on how much Radox and hot water you’ve got, there’s no right answer. But let us say right now that Sir Alex Ferguson has got some pretty soapy balls (and an overflowing bath) at the moment and he’d better hope for a fair wind this season to help him close the proverbial bathroom door or he could end up getting very chilly indeed.

Robin van Persie seems like an uncharacteristically pointless signing by Manchester United. While losing the league on goal difference might make another striker seem like a relative no-brainer – and the prospect of a Rooney-van Persie front pairing is a pretty tasty one – it wasn’t the fact that United scored ONLY 89 goals in 38 matches that led to them losing the title.

There are doubtless many, but these are the moments that spring to mind when United’s wheels fell off, giving City the time to locate their wheels and stick them back on, only for them to nearly fall off again on the last day, only for Mario Balotelli to come on and provide the most unlikely superglue. City beat United 1-0 at Eastlands. A United that came and played for a draw. Wigan beat United 1-0 at the DW Stadium. Everton nabbed two goals out of the FOUR they scored at Old Trafford to deny United two points. These are, I think, the generally accepted issues with United’s failure to win the league from an eight-point advantage.

Such incidents are inevitable over the course of a season. But, to use the pointless pop logic favoured by the Premier League more often than not, how likely is it that Robin van Persie would have been able to successfully mark Vincent Kompany for that corner at Eastlands? How likely is it that van Persie would be back there charging down Shaun Maloney? How likely is it that van Persie wouldn’t also consider the game all but won at 4-2 at Old Trafford with 15 minutes to go and not be busting his balls to defend the lead? He might ensure United had lost 6-2 rather than 6-1 at Old Trafford. Just as he ensured that Arsenal lost 8-2 rather than 8-1. And missed a penalty.

Oh.

At least he was really good at the Euros.

OH.

Rooney, Welbeck, Hernandez, Berbatov and Little Micky Owen. They contributed enough last year, even though only Rooney and Welbeck were the ones doing most of the football. Hernandez had an off year. Berbatov remains a mystery, Owen an irrelevance. But they are five strikers of pedigree if not recent deed.

United don’t need to be stuffing teams by four goals rather than three at home every other Saturday. No one comes to Old Trafford to win any more anyway. United do need to think about replacing Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs with midfielders who can tackle. They need to make Patrice Evra stop playing like he’s going to be an automatic pick every week and sign another full back.

Yes, Vidic is coming back. Is he fit for a full season? Is Ferdinand capable of holding it together another year? This isn’t to say they won’t be there or thereabouts again this season, but this is a very un-Fergie like move. Particularly with the signing of Shinji Kagawa. Unless Rooney is doing one. Wasn’t there a policy to just buy players under the age of 26? What happened to that? WHAT HAPPENED TO BEBE?

It’s unlike United to go in for penis-measuring or seeing who can buy the most goals. It’s teenager playing Championship Manager stuff. If you’re in a apple and onion pie competition and you come a close second because your ratio of apples to onions was a bit off, whereas the winner’s was just right, you don’t just chuck loads more apples in at great expense and completely ignore the fact that the onions have an important role to play too. That’s just irresponsible baking.

And ultimately, after all, if you let your bath overflow too much, the only thing that suffers is the structural integrity of your bathroom.