LOUD NOISES

Anxiously awaiting a throw-in

It didn’t take long for THAT to lose its sheen, did it? The Premier League came back with no one quite sure how to react to it and has continued with no one quite sure how to react to it. Broadcasters have gamely tried to analyse bits and pieces while the rest of us have gamely tried to sit through entire days during which not very much has actually happened, with the only swift resolution we were promised – Liverpool’s title coronation – also extended into an interminable timeline with no end, just like the rest of existence. Even Sartre would baulk at the level of anguish involved in watching Leicester v Brighton.That the quality of football on show is a bit lacklustre isn’t really a surprise. That our response to it after a few days in a row is a fairly shruggable one, perhaps is. But it really does go to show just how weak the hype machine can be if it’s not backed up by all the correctly-timed loud noises, flashing lights and absolute meltdowns recorded on Twitter for all to see.

As John Nicholson said in his Football 365 article on Monday: “This season just has to be voided from football’s body like an especially hard, compacted stool.” As we’ve written before, “if we wanted to only get a result after 90 minutes of straining and sweating and nothing actually happening then we’d stop eating fibre and try and have a poo. That’s the problem – the last couple of weeks have seen football become a horrible constipated mess”. That was about Euro 2016 but it is easily transferable to this first week of Premier League action. It’s not pleasant but it’s necessary. And it’s going to take a while so you’d better bring your phone.

Undoubtedly it’s the quiet stadiums that have had the most profound effect on how both fans and players are experiencing matches. We are in no way suggesting that circumstances are dictating slightly less intense professionalism among employees who find themselves under slightly less intense scrutiny*, but the urgency brought about by an actual crowd calling you ‘fucking useless’ would be plenty exaggerated if they were in the ground, rather than shouting at you while sitting in their living rooms in just their pants, from where you cannot hear or, mercifully, see them. Besides, government guidance says you’re not allowed to shout or sing in public anyway.

For spectators it’s equally difficult to engage without the social and aural cues that live broadcast of a crowd would normally provide, particularly as far as returning their attention to the TV screen from Twitter is concerned. The way it currently works is a layer of general audio from EA Sports/FIFA as a basis with a producer responsible for additional layers of sounds to give context (e.g. cheers, boos, a couple of (broadcast-friendly) chants… and that’s about it, going off what we’ve heard so far). And the thing is, if not much is happening in a game, you don’t have many avenues to liven it up, meaning people are getting more than a little bit bored. More and more boredom is to football’s detriment, obviously, so it’s high time to move the goalposts (not literally, but also literally, if that would help) and redefine football viewership so it sounds way more interesting.

Being that producer, you have the opportunity to change how we perceive football in this country forever, which given the utterly mindless behaviour that goes on in and around football grounds at times would be an absolute godsend.

Mike Dean had obviously read the Spongers manifesto for changing football (2016) when he rocked up with a BEARD to referee the Merseyside derby, especially as it duly proceeded with a goalless draw following plenty of running and tackling. If you’re not already privy to our plans to save football, it might be worth reading them first, but to summarise – beards, tackling, running, heading, 38% possession, more beards.

Got it? Now, we suggest you strap yourselves in because if we ever get behind the sound desk at Sky or BT this is how we will be rescuing football FOR THE SECOND TIME.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

GOAL – give a shit lads. Does not play into the narrative at all. If anything, they are a distraction from throw-ins (see: THROW-INS). Any hint of a celebration and we’re going straight to the ‘howls of derision’ button.

DRIBBLING, PASSING, BEING IN POSSESSION – now roundly booed. The ONLY thing you should be doing is getting rid and getting set (see: GETTING RID AND GETTING SET).

CORNER – mild murmurings of concern as you could get caught on the break VERY EASILY and we absolutely do not want that. Leaving a few back to cover that by excessive tackling (see: TACKLING) is nevertheless met with the outbreak of a favourite broadcast-friendly chant, as voted for by the fans.

THROW-INS – let’s just turn the audio bed up slightly, as there’s a fair chance you can get a big hoofed secession of possession out of this, which, unless a header is won (see: HEADER) could let to you getting rid and getting set (see: GETTING RID AND GETTING SET).

TACKLING – the ‘Gawoon’ sound you normally get when your winger has skipped past someone and has a few free yards ahead of them. This could lead to a get rid and get set scenario (see: GETTING RID AND GETTING SET). If the tackle becomes a clearance into touch (see: CLEARANCE INTO TOUCH), we’re going to be throwing the sort of exhortation in that used to be reserved for injury-time corners, even though you’ve been noticeably failing to score from them for the previous 90 minutes.

HEADER – As Samuel Johnson said, “when a man is tired of heading he is tired of life”. The staple of new world order football and one that will be treated with the hushed reverence it deserves, making up as it does 66% of all touches under the Spongers manifesto.

GETTING RID AND GETTING SET – the emotional pinnacle. As soon as the ball is zero threat to the goal, go fucking nuts. The further away the better. It’s an absolute winner – if we can’t concede, we certainly can’t lose, and our beards, belief, passion, running and tackling can get ready to go again. And if that’s not worth celebrating then we don’t know what is.

CLEARANCES INTO TOUCH – the absolute cerebral peak of the game, now to be met with the polite applause that used to be reserved for the ‘return to civilisation’, i.e. the pass from a midfield melee to a full-back in acres of spaces.

Let’s just summarise our strategy: teams want to draw every game. 38pts, feet up, thank you very much. Two points a week should keep us safe and the way the game’s going would probably have us in Europe via 17th place given the amount of FFP bans, appeals, counter-bans and counter-appeals. You get a LOT more noise on your TV than you do now, which keeps it interesting (that’s SCIENCE) and no one has to worry about the ‘quality’ of football ever again because this is the English model and as we all know will be copied by other countries the world over just as soon as they realise how great it is which we will tell them loudly and slowly until they adopt it.

Of course, we are mostly joking here (although it would be lovely to see every tackle greeted with an animalistic roar). Life is already all running, sweating and defending. And beards. Please football, don't go the same route.

*We absolutely are, but only because a quick glance at our Twitter profile is really very fucking incriminating