"So, I've been having some weird dreams ..."
‘They’ say that people are experiencing extremely vivid dreams during lockdown. Apparently, Google searches of “weird dreams” have doubled year-on-year. According to an article in the Independent at the end of April, a Tweet asking: “Is anybody else having really weird/vivid dreams during this whole lockdown or is it just me?” got 4,600 likes, which perhaps says more about Twitter than it does about dreams.
Presumably though, those are dreams of the night variety. I’m troubled to say the least because these past few weeks I’ve been experiencing vivid day dreams. Presumably other people are struggling with the uncertainty Covid-19 has caused so they are having dreams so realistic that it is scaring the shit of them. Well imagine not being able to wake up. Because you are awake. Like some knock-off version of Nightmare on Elm Street.
Google searches of “weird dreams” may well have doubled since this time last year, but there’s been no coverage of searching “weird Fiat advert where Totti is having a knockabout in his back garden and then says ‘round Emile Hesker*’ and then he scores and shouts GOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLL TOTTI,” has there? No, there hasn’t. And I should know, because I HAVE Googled it.
One result pops up. One. Out of the whole internet. And it is ‘“You were miles offside” — Totti v Heskey Advert’ on the Ad Turds site**.
When you watch that version, there’s something in German about “Ballack, Ballack, Ballack”. It’s quite frantic. A real frantic ballacking in fact. Turns out it's Michael Ballack. But there’s certainly no Emile Heskey. Now the lads at Ad Turds were good enough to inform us on Twitter that the Heskey version did indeed happen, but has been expunged from history, as if it didn’t happen. But it did happen.
I was sure we had written an article on this a few years ago so I checked and we had. We wrote this in 2013 — http://magicspongers.blogspot.com/2013/03/flogging-dead-totti.html— quite how that doesn’t come up in Google when searching “weird Fiat advert where Totti is having a knockabout in his back garden and then says ‘round Emile Hesker’ and then he scores and shouts GOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLL TOTTI” is anyone’s guess, and maybe something to do with algorithms.
Let’s very quickly re-set the scene (and just copy verbatim what we wrote in 2013 because it will save time).
“Francesco Totti is having a knockabout in his back garden. He’s just dicking about. So far, so good. He’s feigning going past imaginary opponents. He’s just generally having a laugh. But HANG THE FUCK ON THERE. WHAT’S THIS? WHAT HAS ITALY’S FRANCESCO TOTTI JUST SAID? Too late.
“Next thing we know, Totti has jumped in his plush little Fiat Stilo – a car I’m reliably informed is very fashionable among multimillionaire footballers in Italy.
“Now, in the present, Totti has just received a message from someone saying he was offside. That’s offside in the knockabout he was just having on his own in his own back garden, which to this day is something I’ve not been able to begin to comprehend. The message is from none other than Emile Heskey, who, and again, for reasons unbeknownst to I’d imagine anyone, including Totti, signs off ‘Emile Heskey’.
“And now back to the bit where I wrote ‘WHAT HAS ITALY’S FRANCESCO TOTTI JUST SAID?’
“When I first saw this advert – and it was this atmosphere of ‘what it feels like when you first see an advert’ that I was trying to recreate – I could have sworn Totti said “round Emile Hesker.”. Emile Hesker? I know an Emile Heskey, but… HANG ON… WHAT THE FU… and before you know it the advert has swept you onto a narrative arc that incorporates Totti celebrating a goal on his own by shouting “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLL TOTTI”, Totti seemingly and somewhat ludicrously owning a Fiat Stilo, and Emile Heskey, who has somehow become a close friend of Totti’s, not only signing off messages with his full name, which only a psychopath would do, but also somehow knowing that Totti was JUST playing football on his own in his own back garden.”
Like the greatest adverts, it leaves you with more questions than it answers.
Which leads us nicely to Sachin Nakrani of The Guardian’s Tweet from Monday June 8 (yesterday). As I am famously shit with technology, I can’t do one of those little ‘embed Tweets’ or whatever it is called. So I have to write it out manually, which is annoying. Sachin, who is patently suffering from similar day dreams to me, tweeted: “Won't bore you with the details, but I've been watching clips of Renford Rejects on Youtube. Came across this utter mind-bender that I have no recollection of whatsoever - Martin Keown plays like Messi in the same game Gianfranco Zola acts the enforcer.”
I used to watch Renford Rejects and I also have no recollection of seeing Martin Keown and Gianfranco Zola in an episode. So I clicked the link and watched. It is quite incredible. It is quite incredible seeing Keown beat a player, albeit a 13-year-old. It is incredible that I don't remember this, which leads me to think I didn’t watch it. But why didn’t I watch it? Was I playing football myself? Against Martin Keown? Then I found another link*** and realised that I had missed the Shaka Hislop one an all. Unbelievable.
But what I DO remember is an episode of The Queen’s Nose**** that had Gary Mabbutt in it. Hello Google. After searching “episode of The Queen’s Nose that had Gary Mabbutt in it”, there it is. Aired on December 20, 1995. And what’s this third search down? ’10 times Premier League footballers made random appearances on 90s kids’ TV’ from last year’s Four Four Two, strangely on Yahoo! Sport? It’s only Gary Mabbutt having an absolute stormer on … you guessed it … THE QUEEN’S NOSE.
Mabbutt has way too much nous and skill for his opponents, scoring a second-half hat trick and grabbing an assist for the injury time winner. The problem is, I remember Mabbutt scoring a header in it. And he doesn’t score a header in it. I also don’t remember Mabbutt scoring many hat-tricks for Spurs but as has already been established, my memory has many holes in it.
They say ‘don’t meet your heroes’, but I haven’t. I never met Bowie, although I did see him at the MEN in 2003. I have never met Jay-Jay Okocha, although I did see him at some Champions League fans park thing in London with Rob Mac in 2011. And I have never met Gary Mabbutt. Or Emile Heskey.
What they don’t say, AND THEY SHOULD, is ‘don’t watch any footage of Premier League footballers in kids TV shows 25 years after you initially watched them’. It will only make you realise that a) all of your memories are wrong; b) TV was better when we were younger; and c) Martin Keown should have played up front for Arsenal with Thierry Henry.
*Yes, I am aware I have written Hesker and not Heskey. In my mind’s eye, Totti says “round Emile Hesker” and in the absence of any hard evidence, that is how it will remain until I die.
**Decided to put the links at the end to stop the few people reading this from clicking on one, buggering off and not coming back — http://adturds.co.uk/2009/11/30/you-were-miles-offside-emile-heskey/
***See *— https://www.planetfootball.com/quick-reads/12-of-the-best-cameo-appearances-in-renford-rejects/
****The Queen’s Nose, based on a Dick King-Smith novel, WHICH I KNEW BUT HAD FORGOTTEN I KNEW
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