Match of the Data

The best thing that ever happened to football   

A strategy memo definitely not found on the printer at Premier League HQ (because no one works in offices anymore or prints things out). But, if they did happen to have a Zoom call that they forgot to put the security settings on, what follows is a purely fictional account of a purely fictional presentation to a blue-sky thinking session by consultant Stu Richermore that might have been overheard by our crack investigative reporter Doug Out [is that good enough for the lawyers? - ed] … 

A lovely game of charades

"Lads I can't use it to check where your Uber is"

Now the dust has settled on the group stages, let’s address some of the things we’ve learned from the World Cup so far. In short, Germany are rubbish so we don’t have to worry about them in tournaments ever again, England are going to win it, four games in one day is NOT too many and no one has been kidnapped, poisoned or otherwise defiled by the Russian state (that we know of). All in all, something of a success.

True Football Stories, Part 4: I Am The Ref

'You f*cking WHAT?!'

We all hate referees. But what if you ARE the ref. Or you are THE ref. Emphasis aside, here's Richard Bellis on the perils of being the man in the middle...

It was when that bloke starting coming to all my matches with an easel, then I knew things had really got out of hand. Every Sunday it was the same. I’d turn up, look around hoping he wasn’t there, it’d get closer to kick-off, I’d shout at the ‘keepers, check they were ready to stand getting cold, then I’d spot him wandering along the bumpy field, equipment tucked under his arm. Was I cursed or just unlucky? All this decisions I had to make, I couldn’t make a decision on that question…

Two (Feet)'s Kompany

Two feet. Ball. Get over it.

 There’s tackling and there’s tackling. Or something. Here’s Magic Spongers regular Dan Forman on tackling. 

Firstly a disclaimer: I'm an Arsenal fan. So if you want to dismiss this as myopic sour grapes, that's fine, I couldn't give a toss because ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH ME IS AN IDIOT. As is ANYONE WHO SUPPORTS ANOTHER CLUB. That's how we do debate about football these days right?

Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right

"Why always me?"

Over the past 10 days or so, the Premier League and its orbiting media bodies have seen fit to dispense with perspective like a grown man discarding some raggedy old fleece he used to have as a student, and concern themselves with as little football as possible. This has been a great shame, because there was a lot of football over the past 10 days or so and some of it was very good indeed.

But more than ever we were treated to delirium in the stands and in the press as Mario Balotelli stamped on Scott Parker’s head before scoring an injury-time penalty winner. Two new rules were also invented by some angry people; namely the ‘Vincent Kompany rule’ (fictitious) and the ‘Glenn Johnson rule’ (believe it or not, also fictitious), which conveniently can be used to either excuse a dangerous course of action that was punished, or justify a dangerous course of action that wasn't.

Making Football More Appealing

8.1, 9.2, 8.5, 9.1. He'll be happy with that

We all hate diving. But what to do about it? Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to Magic Spongers Mr Ben Wall.

There are countless sides to every argument in football, divergence on the most basic principles and downright disbelief at some of the decisions we see on a Saturday (by players, managers and referees alike). This isn’t going to change.

The Industrial Refolution

*Honorary northerner and fellow York City fan Alex Moore makes his Magic Spongers debut with an impassioned support of the man with the whistle who may or may not be of dubious parentage.

The more I think about it, the more I love the idea of referees going on strike. They are like slaves, constantly belittled by their masters and endlessly derided in public. The ugly face of an otherwise beautiful game. Never respected, and NEVER given a voice of their own. Until now. So fuck you Neil Lennon. Fuck you Steve Bruce. And fuck you Tony Pulis.