A (very selective) review of the year

Oh boy...

It was most refreshing to see 2013 become the year in which football finally started to move away from the hysteria over managerial movements, controversial on- and off-pitch incidents, minute scrutiny on even the tiniest perceived slight or indiscretion, ridiculous transfer fees and generally threatening to disappear forever up one of those particular proverbial arseholes at any given moment. EXCEPT THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN, DID IT.

Through The Looking Glass

"The watch comes with the job son."

Mulleted bunder-inducer and Hannah Montana’s dad, aka Billy Ray Cyrus, may well have unwittingly (or otherwise) foretold the average Manchester United fan’s reaction to the departure of Sir Alex Ferguson with his 1992 smash hit ‘Achey Breaky Heart’. Not so much with the lines ‘you can tell my arms to go back to the farm’, of course, but with the iconic chorus. Because it seems to me that, understandably, there’s a numbness and something of a denial, certainly afflicting United fans of my age (rapidly approaching 30) who have known nothing but a Fergie-filled world.

If It Looks Like A Duck And Quacks Like A Duck, It's Probably A Philosophy

Nietzsche watching Macclesfield Town

It’s no secret, when you’re in the market for a new manager (as most clubs seem to find themselves at some point over a 12-month cycle) that certain employees come complete with stereotype and style. Or, as it’s sometimes more politely put, identity. OR, as it tends to be put when owners want to convince fans of shit teams that things can only get better, a ‘philosophy’.

What If? #2 Cantona Hadn't Signed For Manchester United

Eric Cantona at Leeds in... '93?

Two Uniteds. Two sleeping giants. One enigmatic Frenchman. Magic Spongers welcomes Dan Forman whose parallel universe-centred debut is an absolute belter*

November 1992, Alex Ferguson's office. The phone rings.

"Alex, it's Martin. Listen, Leeds are on the line again. Howard Wilkinson wants to speak to you."

"Did he say what about? It better not be bloody Irwin again."

"No but he's very keen apparently. You're not going to sell him Denis Irwin are you?"
 
"No chance. But put him through. There's something I've been thinking about asking him anyway...

"Howard, how are you?"

Yuletide Slog

Are titles won at Christmas? The short answer is: ‘Only if you are Manchester United or Chelsea (and even then it isn’t guaranteed).’ Flying in the face of our usual ‘high on rant, low on fact’ content of late, here is some actual, real-life analysis: Since the Premier League’s inception in 1992/3, there have been nine separate occasions when the table was topped by a club other than Manchester United and Chelsea at Christmas. Yet only once in that time has the side looking down on the rest on Christmas Day – Kenny Dalglish’s Blackburn side of 1994-95 – gone on to take the title.

Sir Alex’s ROOney ROOse PROOves ROOmarkable

"How many times do I have to say SORRY"

While all the talk before the United-Rangers game centred on speculation regarding the type of reception Wayne Rooney would get, was I the only one to doff my imaginary hat at the way Sir Alex Ferguson has dealt with this situation from start to finish? When Sir Alex persuaded the Glazers to put their hands deep into their moth-infested (and possibly empty) pockets to keep Rooney at Old Trafford, I would imagine he sold it to them thus: “I want him to rot in the reserves for his insolence if I’m to tell the truth. But I tell you what we’ll do. Offer him what Stretford wants. Give him the £250k a week. Give him a get-out clause.”